you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
