then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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