Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
