If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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