Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my being single is dangerous.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
