and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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