How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
