i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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