Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
