We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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