I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
