i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
