theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
