My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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