is your mom at the bar?
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
