Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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