I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
