just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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