My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
