I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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