I just made out with a guy for $7.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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