My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
