if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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