I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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