So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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