I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
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You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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