Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
