I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
