So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
