I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
