You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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