you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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