My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Blood and glitter go together right?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
