So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
