Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
