I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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