he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
