just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
