I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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