i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
