I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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