On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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