u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
