my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
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so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
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Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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