I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
