there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
