So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
