Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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