No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
