After last night, I could never be a politician.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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