Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
