so that wasnt chicken after all
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
