Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
