That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
