I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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