I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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