Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Dicks are not precious.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
