Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
