When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
