What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
